


TJM Hates Her Friends

by thomasjeffersonsmacaroni



Series: The Author And Her Friends [1]
Category: Various Fandoms - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Multi, NaNoWriMo 2016, i hate my friends so much, the first chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 10:42:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 15,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8529967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thomasjeffersonsmacaroni/pseuds/thomasjeffersonsmacaroni
Summary: "Every Friday you can give me any sort of AU...and any pairing...and I have 24 hours from when you give it to me to write a fanfic in that AU with that pairing...Give me the wild AU and the pairing on Friday...Get a fic on Saturday"-thomasjeffersonsmacaroni, in the group chat that she has with her friendsNovember 11, 2016Updates on Saturdays.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the meme chat which i love with my heart and hate with my soul](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=the+meme+chat+which+i+love+with+my+heart+and+hate+with+my+soul).



> Every chapter is going to have the prompt with the AU and the pairing that my friend gave me and which one of my friends gave it to me. You will get to know over an indefinite course of time the rotating cast of Amelia, Patrice (readers of Perfect, yes, this is the same Patrice), and Emily.  
> Anyways, enjoy this pure crack, hopefully mixed in with the occasional serious prompt.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Shrek x naruto and they have to fight an army of weeaboos" -Amelia

It was morning when Shrek's memelarm woke him from his slumber. Angrily, he threw a piece of mud from his bed at it and rolled over, but it was only then that he remembered that he had programmed his memelarm to not respond to the mud from his bed and only stop buzzing and playing "Stay Home" by Self when he took it and threw it into the mud shower outside. He did that, dressing in his Shrek clothes along the way, put the now-stopped memelarm back, ate a whole raw onion for breakfast, and went to his office.

He missed his beautiful wife, Fiona, he thought with sadness as he looked at a painting of her and their children and did his work, which basically consisted of singing "All Star" by Smash Mouth until his throat was sore, at which point he would eat gold, which is all that glitters, and start singing it again. Fiona had taken their three children, Meme, Onion, and Layer, and gone to the dragon lair to visit the Dronkey family and their Dronkey babies, and maybe even find out how a donkey fucked a dragon. He, however, had been too busy with his work, and he was way too overwhelmed with it now, so he didn't come with them. Our homeboy Shrek was thinking about this turn of events, head hurting with exhaustion, when he heard a knock on his door.

When he opened it, he saw a dude with spiky blonde hair and a weird silver headband wearing a long red dress and bright red lipstick (think Maria Reynolds in Hamilton the Musical, which Shrek has unfortunately so far been unable to get tickets to).

"What are you doing in my swamp?" Shrek asked the weirdo. Ominous violins suddenly started playing in the background, but Shrek ignored them.

"I'm so sorry to bother you in your swamp, Senpai," said the dude, blushing weirdly and developing anime eyes. "My name is Naruto, and I need your help. But it's not because I LIKE you or anything!" He started blushing even harder, and his anime eyes narrowed in anger.

"What do you need help with, whoever you are?"

"The weeaboos are at my door," said Naruto, his anime eyes disappearing as he spoke. "And my husband, Sasuke, is gone with our kids, Tsun Tsun and Dere Dere. I can't fight them alone, and I've gotten word that you're good with fairy tale creatures."

"What's a wee-a-boo?" Shrek asked. "Never read _that_ fairy tale in my _life._ "

"It's not wee-a-boo," said Naruto somewhat frustratedly. "It's weeaboo. And it's, uh, not exactly a fairy tale creature." The anime eyes and the intense blushing returned. "Senpai, please, I need you to help me. They're obsessed with me and Sasuke. They're going to attack me. They might even kidnap me."

"Oh, so they're crazy weirdos?" asked Shrek, thinking of the crazy weirdos that had haunted him throughout his life.

"Nya," said Naruto. "Please, Senpai. I need your help."

"Fine," said Shrek. "Let me put my clothes on and bring my weapons, which are a huge onion and a bucket full of Shrek memes that I can dump on people."

He went to get his two weapons, effortlessly carrying them in his arms, and put on clothes, which consisted of a green suit with white frills around the wrists and the neck (think Alexander Hamilton in Hamilton the Musical, which Naruto has managed to get tickets to, and he was going to see it with Sasuke on June 9th, which they picked out because the numbers spelled out 69). They then proceeded to leave, Naruto leading Shrek by the hand to a back way that ended in the Sasunaru basement. When they got out by breaking down the door, they peeked out the window at the army of weeaboos. They all had Naruto merch and were holding whatever kind of weapons they used in the Naruto anime, which the all-present author is unable to describe because she doesn't watch Naruto. All of them had crazed looks on their faces, and all of them looked as if they were out for blood. Shrek found himself shaking in terror, and Naruto put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. Shrek was surprised by how comforting it felt, and how he began to feel feelings inside of him that he had only ever felt before from seeing a really huge pile of mud.

"It'll be okay, Senpai," whispered Naruto. "You just need to bust out your magic and defeat them."

Shrek did so easily by picking up his onion, opening the window, slicing it in half with his edgiest Shrek meme, and knocking out half of the weeaboos instantly. Then, he dumped the bucket of Shrek memes on the remaining weeaboos, who were instantly overwhelmed and knocked out by their divine beauty.

"All done," said Shrek to Naruto. "Ogres: we get the job done. I should head back home now. I have work to do."

Naruto's blushing and anime eyes, which will from now on be referred to as Senpai Mode, returned. He grabbed on to the collar of Shrek's shirt, led him to his bed, and whispered: "Stay?"

Shrek had wanted to leave; his Fiona was far away, and if she found out that he cheated, she would be sad, and that would make him sad. But Naruto was right here, and he wore the red dress and lipstick like no guy ever would, and Shrek was filled with an intense sense of desire.

"Hey," he said in a breathy rasp.

They spent the night in that bed making loud and intense noises and sleeping next to each other. Use your imagination, fellas. And practice safe bed wrestling.

The next morning, Shrek left after giving Naruto one final kiss. Every night after that (their families continued to be gone), he would dress in that particular green suit and visit Naruto. They would continue to safely bed wrestle and make noises such as "AWAWAAAASWAWASA SENPAI" and "Ogres have layers, peel off as many of them as you can ;)". About a month into this endeavor, Shrek was checking his meme mail and saw a letter that was addressed to him and from someone named Sasuke, whose name he recognized as Naruto's husband. This is what it said:

_Hey fucker,_

_Stop bed wrestling with my beautiful husband. You don't deserve him. He's mine, and so is his very skillful Maria Reynolds cosplay. If you're going to bed wrestle him, at least pay me in creamy delicious memes. Otherwise, I'm going to call your wife, Fiona. I have her email right here in front of me._

_With hate, Sasuke_

Shrek tore the letter up into little pieces and threw them all into the mud. Then, he took his bucket of memes, put on his Alexander Hamilton cosplay, and ran to Naruto's place.

"Have you been using me all this time?" he roared into his face, threatening him with the edgiest of his memes. "You Naruto ran into my heart, and now you're only using me for money?"

"No, Senpai!" Naruto collapsed onto the floor, entering Senpai Mode, and started to sob. "Please don't leave me with him! He forced me to! PLEASE!"

"Did you set up the weeaboos, too?" Shrek screamed, tears forming in his eyes. Naruto was the love of his life, second to only his Fiona, but she wasn't relevant to the current situation, and he had betrayed him like that? How could Naruto do this? How could _Shrek_ do this?

"Sasuke forced me!" Naruto was pleading, his sobs mixing in with Shrek's internal monologue about how his meme career was now as good as destroyed, as was his relationship with his wife, unless he either left his lover, Naruto, forever or paid up.

He was at a crossroads. On one side was safety, with Fiona and their children, and he could follow that path if he said no to Naruto, who was on the ground, pleading, sobbing, _begging_ for him to stay. The door was right there, if he just took a single step to the left and opened it and left and never came back.

"SENPAI!" Naruto screamed again, and Shrek found himself helpless to do anything but go forward and kiss him. When Naruto responded to that kiss, the lust that Shrek felt inside of him was the only answer to all of his worries that he needed.

"So?" asked Sasuke a couple of weeks later, when he walked in with his children and watched Naruto give Shrek a lap dance to the tune of the Naruto theme song.

Shrek reached into his pocket and pulled out two hundred creamy delicious memes, and Sasuke took them without a single word.

"Nobody needs to know."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Jamie from Mythbusters X Goku from DBZ and there's MPREG and the baby is either guy fieri or Donald trump" -Emily

Dancing Daddy stared at himself in the full-length mirror in his dressing room, adjusting his outfit - a skimpy black dress - to reveal as much skin as possible while still being semi-comfortable. He did this every night, but the ritual still felt new and fresh, as if he was doing it for the first time.

"We've got someone with a Harambe kink coming in today," another prostitute said as he came in. Judging by the voice, it was Pimpy Pete.

Dancing Daddy turned around. "Should one of us dress like a dead gorilla? It isn't going to be me, I spent  _hours_ shopping for this dress. I'm not going to change just because of a client with outdated fucking memes."

"Harambe is  _not_ outdated!" Pimpy Pete dropped to the floor and fainted for two seconds, which was an hour in Pimpy Pete time. "Harambe is a  _legend,_ Double D, and legends never die. Anyway, we picked names out of a hat, and it's you. You're going to have to dress like Harambe."

Dancing Daddy sighed loudly and dramatically took off his black dress. "So, how does this kink work? Is he just attracted to people dressed as Harambe, or....?"

"No," said Pimpy Pete. "He's into roleplay. He wants to pretend to be the kid that's dropped in the enclosure, and he wants you to drag him and then fall over. And then you fuck, or something."

"That's actually sort of hot," said Dancing Daddy. "We actually have something in common. This is going to turn out great. Not like that time when John's Son's Johnson had a client with a Muppet fetish. Not even Kermit, the dankest of memes. Miss Piggy. And not even a Miss Piggy costume. A fucking Miss Piggy hand puppet."

Pimpy Pete laughed at the memory. "That was fun. I think John's Son's Johnson was sort of into it, though. He's always the one we go to with weird fetishes."

The bell outside rang, signalling that the prostitutes in the gay bar had to come out. Dancing Daddy and Pimpy Pete separated and went into the main hallway, PP walking as seductively as possible in order to attract more customers, DD not having to put in that effort, and instead scanning the room for anyone who looked like they would have a fetish for outdated memes.

Sitting at a table alone and drinking beer was a man in a hat, a goatee, and glasses who was dressed as a little kid. DD sauntered over to him, and he perked up, allowing the shorter man to lead him into a private room.

"Okay," said the weirdo. "I'll stand on that bed over there, and you stand against the wall, and I'm going to lean forward, and you're going to grab me and pull me onto the floor and drag me. And then we're going to fuck."

Instead of talking, DD made a gorilla grunt noise and obeyed the weirdo's wishes. He had a high-pitched, girly scream as he acted as the little kid, and when DD pulled him forward and undressed him, he even moaned like a small child, which kind of made it weird, but DD had learned a long time ago to just accept everything that came his way. He had once had to fuck someone dressed as a blanket. A fucking blanket.

When DD blew his load, he instantly dropped down and played dead, and the weirdo stood up, pulled a wad of cash out of his pocket, and dropped it down on him.

"Stunning performance," he said, still using that little kid voice. "Remind me to ask for you again next time you come here. What's your name?"

"Dancing Daddy," said DD, still on the floor, though there was some sort of a strange pull inside of him that made him want to say something else. He ignored it though, and merely nodded.

"Good doing business with you," he purred - not seductively, but literally turning into a cat and purring. "I'd love to do it again."

 

A couple of weeks later, Jamie Hyneman went to the doctor's office for his routine check-up. He was wearing a Pepe the Frog shirt and a fedora, and he could feel everyone's judging eyes on him as he signed in, but he didn't care. This was A-MURR-ICA, which meant that anyone could be what they wanted to be. And that meant dressing however they wanted, spending as much time on Reddit as they wanted, and having as many fetishes for outdated memes as they wanted.

And, of course, having as many crushes on people dressed as dead gorillas as they wanted.

Not that he had a crush on Dancing Daddy, also known as Double D, though. That would just be ridiculous. All that he was to him was a fuck buddy, nothing more and nothing less.

"All right, Jamie," the doctor said when he came into the office. "Lie down on this bed over here, and you can sleep. The process is going to be longer than usual."

Already suspicious and wondering what was going on, Jamie nodded, but he thought nothing of it as he fell asleep on the bed, dreaming of explosions and memes. And the first thing that he heard when he woke up seemed like a combination of the two.

"Jamie, I have amazing news for you. You're pregnant."

"What?" Jamie asked, thinking that he must have misheard. He was a  _guy._ He  _couldn't_ be pregnant.

"I said, you're pregnant. Now, take these forms to aid you through your pregnancy, and, of course, if you don't want to keep the baby, - or babies, actually, it's twins - here's a pamphlet for a nearby abortion clinic."

Jamie screamed, so loudly that the entire doctor's office broke, and so loudly that he broke all of the space between him and the gay brothel where he had been a couple of weeks ago. As he looked at the rusty sign, which read "Gay Grammar," realization began to dawn on him.

The only person that he had had sex with recently was Dancing Daddy.

Without another moment's hesitation, he punched the door open, ran inside, found the boy pole dancing, grabbed him, and pulled him into the private room where they had played out his Harambe fetish.

"You got me pregnant, asshole," he hissed. "What the hell do you have to say for yourself?"

Dancing Daddy didn't look apologetic at all, which made Jamie even angrier, and he shoved him against the wall and screamed.

"You're horrible! I fucking  _despise_ you. I'm going to kill you right now. Going to make you even more like Harambe. I have a gun and I'm going to use it. I don't give a  _shit_ about the law. Get the hell down on the floor."

DD started shaking, finally looking apologetic, and he dropped down onto his knees while sobbing. Instantly, Jamie felt a feeling of intense pity for him. After all, the poor man - no,  _boy,_ he looked like a boy - had no way to control whether or not he got someone pregnant. And, suddenly, Jamie found himself seeing him as beautiful, not just sexy.

"Kiss me," he said to him, trying his hardest to no avail to keep anger out of his voice. "Get up and kiss me."

Hesitantly, DD stood up, and Jamie took him in his arms to keep him from falling and kissed him firmly on the lips. As soon as their bodies met, Jamie felt a spark ignite inside of him, just like when an experiment succeeded back in the lab. And that was when he knew that he wanted to keep the babies.

"Run away with me," he murmured into his ear. "We can raise our twin boys together. Just you and me. Maybe we can get married, too. I love you too much to stay away from you. Please say yes, Dancing Daddy."

"That's not my real name," the male prostitute murmured back. "My real name is...Goku."

"Goku." Jamie tried it on his lips, and it tasted nice. "Come home with me."

"Always."

 

**Epilogue**

"Push, Jamie, push!" the doctor, and Jamie's husband Goku, urged.

Jamie was on his stomach, and his ass was going through unimaginable pain. But it was all worth it. He was going to have two twin boys, and his friend, Adam Savage, had called upon the powers of the ancient gods and told him that they would both be famous and powerful.

After an hour of this tiny slice of hell - by tiny, he meant that it was like spending a week in a room alone with Ted Cruz as opposed to a month - the doctor turned him around and handed him two babies, both of whom looked like old men. One of them had bright orange skin, weird wrinkly lips, and a yellow toupee, and the other had blonde spiky hair tips, ear piercings, and sunglasses.

"Our babies," he whispered, and Goku stood by him and kissed them, one by one, on the foreheads, gifting them with his ancient Super Saiyan powers.

"Our prophesied saviors."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Make it Dumbledore X Snape and the AU IS snape is the sugar daddy and dumbledore is a young boy dressed up as a girl who needs money" -Patrice

One Saturday afternoon, when Severus Snape finally got a break from his Hogwarts duties, he was sitting in the middle of an Internet cafe in the middle of London, furiously typing out the entire Bee Movie script with no characters other than the letters into the address bar of one of the shitty computers. He had heard of a dating site called BeeMovie.com, where singles met and bonded over a shared love of Jerry Seinfeld movies about bestiality, and he wanted to try it out. He really needed to meet someone to get over Lily Evans-Potter, who was a stale meme anyway. She had once tried to show him a rage comic. A rage comic, in the Good Year of our Lord 2015.

Not that Snape believed in God, anyway. God was just an invention for people who wanted some sort of an excuse to be a stale meme.

Thinking these edgy thoughts and feeling somehow better about himself, Snape typed in the last lines of the web address, finished off with .bee, and pressed Enter. He was instantly bombarded by a deep, raspy voice sensually reading the Bee Movie script baccwards and blacc and yellow font saying "Clicc here for the sexy sugar daddy stinger. Clicc on the blacc letters if you want to BEE a sugar daddy. Clicc on the yellow letters if you want to GET a sugar daddy."

Snape was rich, so his logic was that he could be a sugar daddy for a sexy meme in need. He clicced on one of the blacc letters and was instantly taken to a SurveyMonkey survey, which had various questions about his taste in memes and was styled very much like one of those Buzzfeed quizzes that says that it can guess your age based on your taste in memes. Just the comparison with Buzzfeed triggered Snape, so he tried to finish it as soon as possible.

As soon as he finished it, he was bombarded with the same deep, sensual voice reading the entire Ice Age pentology but every syllable is replaced with the entire Toy Story trilogy but every second that the color green is in the frame it is replaced with every video ever uploaded on YouTube but every ten seconds every episode of The Simpsons plays but every word with a vowel is replaced with the Bee Movie but every time a bee is shown it is replaced with every episode of SpongeBob played baccwards. That was when Snape knew that the sugar baby that was chosen for him would definitely be a good match for him, the lord of all memes.

By the looks of it, the piccture portrayed a young gay boy with a thicc beard and an either thiccer booty. He was wearing a large curly pink wig, and he had a large amount of bright red lipsticc on his lips. Where it was supposed to say his name, it said, "Albusa Percivala Wulfrica Brianna Dumbledore."

"Only one of your four names actually translates to female form," Snape typed into the chat feature. "No need to disguise yourself as a girl. I'm buy, and I'll bi you anything you want. Just send me a link on Amazon dot come."

Instead of an answer, Albusa copy and pasted the entire Bee Movie script twelve times, once for each letter in Barry B. Benson's name. When he was done, Albusa sent him a link to a wish list, which consisted of Bee Movie merchandise, including but not limited to a shirt with the entire Bee Movie script on it, Bee Movie perfume, a Barry B. Benson sex toy, a Vanessa Bloome body pillow, and yaoi of America from Hetalia x Barry B. Benson, only framed and behind glass.

"You're the one," Snape whispered to his computer, proceeding to French kiss it and write fanfiction of himself, Albusa, and the computer in a hot poly triad. It was very hot fanfiction, and when he sent it to Albusa along with the receipts of the fact that he bought every single thing on the wish list, Albusa approved and proposed to him on the spot.

"Yes," typed Snape without a moment's hesitation. "I'll wear blacc and you'll wear yellow, and we'll name all of our mpreg babies after the actors in Bee Movie. To commemorate how we met."

Snape couldn't see through the screen, but somehow in his cold, dank heart, he knew that Albusa was smiling.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Barry from the bee movie x sonic the hedgehog but they can't say the word bee and they use a different word every time" -Amelia

Sonic the Hedgehog was screwed.

He went to John Cena High School, which was supposed to be known by the anti-dank school district as the school with the dankest memes in all of the land, but in reality, everyone but him and a select few that he called the "squad" were totally, entirely stale. No matter how many times he begged his parents, Shrek and Naruto, to let him transfer, they said no. So he was stucc until he went to college, where he could picc out some dank courses and learn to be the dank meme that he was always destined to be.

But that wasn't why he was screwed.

He was screwed because his squad consisted of four other people. Those were dat boi, Spongebob, and Harambe.

And Barry B. Benson.

Barry B. Benson was a bee whose beauty was rivaled by no one else. He was hot, he was popular, he was athletic.

And he was straight. And a bee.

And Sonic had been cursed from birth to never be able to speak or hear the word "bee" in his life ever.

Yep, he was screwed.

 

He was ranting about this to Spongebob one time, using the word "sexy hot ants" every time he wanted to say "bee."

"I don't know why Barry sexy hot ants Benson will never like me!" he groaned, leaning one of his spikes inside of Spongebob's nostril, a sign of friendship and solidarity that they had invented a couple of years ago when uncovering the phenomenon of "no homo."

"Maybe because he's a sexy hot ant and you're a hedgehog?" Spongebob suggested. "I'm pretty sure they have a law about dating outside of their species."

"No, he dated Vanessa Bloome at one point," Sonic sighed. "And she's a human."

"I'll tell you what," Spongebob said suddenly, sitting up and placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I'm going to talk to some of Barry sexy hot ants Benson's friends, and I'm going to see if I can set you two up somehow. You're obviously never going to be happy until you date him, and when you're happy, your meme quality starts to falter. And I don't want that to happen."

"Yes, daddy," said Sonic, grinning devilishly.

"Kys," said Spongebob. "Oh, I have a date with dat boi soon. I have to get going. I'll talk to Barry sexy hot ants Benson's friends later."

"O shit waddup," gasped Sonic, shocced that dat boi would even consider a date with Spongebob.

 

That night, Sonic was texting the group chat, and they were roleplaying a Jamie Hyneman x Goku mpreg scenario where their children were Guy Fieri and Donald Trump. He himself was Jamie, Barry was Goku, dat boi was Guy Fieri, Spongebob was Donald Trump, and Harambe was the doctor that told Jamie that he was pregnant with twins who was somehow now involved in an orgy with Jamie and Goku.

Suddenly, his phone buzzed with a private message from Barry B. Benson.

"This is really hot," it said.

"I know right," Sonic texted bacc. "You're a really good fucc buddy."

"Vanessa told me that I'm not a good sexer IRL. That's why she dumped me. I'm still a salty meme."

"I'm sure you're a good sexer," Sonic comforted him.

"Come over to my house and see."

Sonic fainted to the floor so violently that he punched a hole down into hell. He typed the next message out while Satan was giving him a lapdance.

"Wait, what?"

"Sonic, I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember. Will you come to my house and do the h*ccing sex with me?"

Sonic looked at his phone in a mixture of shock and love and surrealism that this was even happening. After an eternity, in which time passed and everyone on earth lived and died and told their stories except for them staring at their phones, Sonic finally thought of the perfect thing to say.

"Yes, daddy."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A Christmas where Shrek and Jamie have a 1 night stand after they both got into fights w their S/Os on Christmas Eve...Idk maybe you could make it even cringier and make it a song fic...Last Christmas maybe?" -Emily

_Last Christmas, I gave you my heart..._

Shrek stared at his mud bath, which was flecced with little bits of all that glitters, also known as gold. He thought about all of the good times that he had with his husband, Naruto. How they had cheated with each other, and then gotten rid of their respective significant others just so that they could be together.

They were the cosplay couple. They were relationship goals. They were the Real OG OTP.

And now they were fighting about whether the dress was white and gold or blacc and blue.

_...but the very next day, you gave it away._

Jamie stroked the toupee of his son, Donald Trump, as he stood at his window and looked outside. He loved Goku, who had once been Dancing Daddy, and he was  _heartbroken_ when he learned that he pronounced gif with the hard g. Goku had yelled, and Jamie had yelled bacc, but yelling had gotten both of them nowhere. And now he needed to get away from his relationship for the first time in years.

_This year, to save it from tears..._

Shrek was running now, running from his house, running through the air that seemed to be made of shitty memes, which was why it was so hard to inhale. He accidentally ran into a portal between worlds, which was only activated by running into it while screaming various variations on the French phrase "bon appetit," which Shrek coincidentally loved to do in his free time. He kept running, and eventually he ran into a bar that had the oddly specific title "People of All Species Drink Alcohol That Is Named After Various Music Listening Apps to Get Away from their Anime Character Boyfriends and then Have One Night Stands With Each Other."

But he wasn't paying attention to the title as he ordered a Spotify gin and tonic that whispered lovingly into his year, "The next thirty minutes are ad-free thanks to the following sponsor."

_...I'll give it to someone special._

Jamie walked into a local bar that he never would have thought that he would have wanted to go into before tonight. But this Christmas was a night of contradictions.

"I'll have a Pandora vodka," he said to the bartender.

"Coming right up, and may I say that I absolutely love your meme pants. I also love how Harambe is crossed off. I  _hate_ Harambe."

Jamie had crossed off Harambe in order to forget about Goku. So he nodded and smiled and he took the Pandora vodka and then he sauntered across the room, sashaying his hips, to a lonely-looking ogre drinking what looked like a Spotify gin and tonic.

_A crowded room, friends with tired eyes._

Shrek sighed. Maybe he would go bacc to Naruto after he calmed down.  _Maybe._

"Hey, sexy," he heard above him. He looked up to see a thicc gentleman in meme pants.

"Hey," he said. "Do you have an anime character boyfriend that you're trying to get away from?"

"Yep," the guy sighed. "His name is Goku. I'm Jamie. Want to have a one night stand?"

"Yes, Daddy," Shrek murmured.

" _Dancing_ Daddy," said Jamie. "Call me Dancing Daddy."

_I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice._

They had hawt $3x for one night. And then Shrek went bacc to Naruto the day after Christmas, and Jamie went bacc to Goku, and they continued their marriages as if nothing had happened.

But in their hearts, they remembered each other. They would remember their secret lovers from a parallel universe for the rest of their lives.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's going to be about New Year's Eve Except every time someone says New Years Eve, the other people must yell 'We are number one,' the ship is sportarobbie, sportacus is thicc and robbie is slightly less thicc" -ideas by Patrice, put together into one text by Amelia

New Year's Eve in LazyTown to Sportacus was never complete without inner conflict about his feelings.

"WE ARE NUMBER ONE!" screamed his shoulder angel, because he was alone in his room having an inner monologue, and no one else was with him.

The year that he was born, he came out of the womb Suffering™ just like every sane human being, so he was torn about whether or not to accept this or battle it. And it was resolved with the stroke of midnight on New Year's Day, when he finally accepted his Suffering™ as a millennial icon and sex symbol.

And every year after that, as his Suffering™ compounded, so did the size of his ass, until he was thiccer than anyone else on the planet, even hawt people like Nicci Minaj and other traditionally thicc people. Sportacus was the king of thicc, and every New Year's Day he accepted this. But then the next day came and he was self-conscious once more, and no amount of dabs or apples could comfort him.

And now it was the Bad Year of Our Lord 2016, and he was feeling conflicted about Robbie Rotten.

Robbie Rotten was supposed to be his enemy. For sure, he was the enemy of everyone else in the town in which he lived. But he was so non-thicc, and he was so smart, and oh how Sportacus hated himself for even allowing the thought to cross his mind, but god  _damn_ if he wasn't beautiful.

Such perfect eyebrows. Such perfect hair. Such fashion sense that was unlike any that Sportacus had ever witnessed, and that he would call taccy on anyone else, but on Robbie Rotten, it was the most beautiful feeling in the world.

But  _why_ did it have to be Robbie Rotten that Sportacus was in love with?  _Why_ couldn't it be that thicc mayor of the city, or any thicc king or queen who could match Sportacus's own thiccness? Robbie wasn't even thicc. His ass was  _tiny._

Sportacus sighed. It didn't matter what feelings he might have for the non-thicc and yet somehow mysteriously sexy beast that plagued the city. There was  _no way_ that Robbie Rotten could actually love him bacc.  _No way._

 

 _No way,_ he thought as he went to the annual New Year party hosted by Stephanie Meanswell and her uncle, which had the entire town in attendance every year without fail. If anyone chose not to come for any reason, the power poly triad of Snape, Dumbledore, and Snape's computer would hunt them down and beat them with 100000000000000000 creamy memes until they cried so hard that they cried a river which took them to the party. That had only happened to one person, and Sportacus didn't want to be the second, so he went to the party every year dressed in his expertly crafted Pepe the Frog costume.

 _No way,_ he thought as he looked around and saw that Robbie Rotten, the love of his life, was not invited. He wasn't sure why he expected him to be.

 _No way,_ he thought as he said "Happy New Year's Eve!" and got only answers of "WE ARE NUMBER ONE," and each one was like a stab in his thicc bootyhole because each one reminded him of the man who would never be his.

"No way," he whispered to himself just an hour before the clocc strucc twelve, and he heard a very sudden and very loud  _CRACC!_

And suddenly, Robbie Rotten was in the room, dancing around with his long, long legs and flirting with practically everyone in the room. And Sportacus was saddened because he knew that Robbie would never flirt with him, and that flirt, and that love, was the only thing that he would ever want. More than for no one to be lazy, more than even the creamiest of memes to grace his gentle home.

All that he wanted was Robbie Rotten's love.

No matter how much they tried to kicc him out, he stayed. He  _stayed._ Why, Sportacus didn't know, perhaps would never know. But he did.

"Happy New Year's," he said to Robbie somewhat awkwardly when he approached him.

"WE ARE NUMBER ONE!" everyone immediately screamed.

"Happy New Year's," Robbie whispered bacc. "Sportacus."

"WE ARE NUMBER ONE!"

By now the countdown had started. Now it was at 10, then 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4...

"Can I kiss you?" Robbie asked suddenly and breathily, genuine anticipation on his face.

...3, 2...

"Yes," Sportacus whispered, leaning in close, so close, until he could smell the Harambe perfume that Robbie had obviously applied.

...1...

"Good."

 _BOOM!_ went the cannon, watch the blood and the shit spray. That was the LazyTown symbol that the new year had started.

The two men kissed, and the kiss was passionate and eager on both sides. Sportacus loved Robbie, genuinely loved him.

When they finally pulled apart, it was the end of 2017, and the ball was dropping as they looked at each other in anticipation to kiss again.

And Sportacus knew that this moment would last forever for both of them.

 

**Epilogue**

Sportacus and Robbie started a Reddit AMA for 2016 peeps. If you want to know how 2017 went, ask me anything, and I will talcc to them and ascc them. There's a 69% chance of them replying.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Shrekruto but aiden is there and wants a threesome but they hate him and aiden cries And then he goes to his guitar And his guitar rejects him So he makes out with a clarinet" -Amelia

Aidan R----- (the author has morals and is not disclosing his full name online where people can see it even though he's a lil shit) lived a life with no purpose because he was really stupid and creepy. The only two things that he lived for were his guitar and his casual acquaintances, Shrek and Naruto, who were married with 5 children, none of whom liked him. But Aidan still felt a fire igniting his soul when he thought about Shrek's beautiful green skin, or Naruto's sekci yellow spikes, so it was with this in mind that he went to them one sunny afternoon and asked for a threesome.

"Who is he again, darling?" asked Naruto, looking up from his Jennya cosplay to glare daggers at the newcomer.

"That weirdo, probably," Shrek said, ready to slam the door in his face and send him flying. "Oh, by the way, did you picc up the materials for my meme mug cosplay?"

"Yeah, I went to the store," Naruto said breathily.

"I want a threesome," whined Aidan. "Have sex with me, both of you."

"That sounds a bit rapey, don't you think?" Naruto asked.

Aidan shook his head. "Rape doesn't exist. Everyone I want to have sex with is obligated to have sex with me."

"Fuck you," said Shrek. The all-present author briefly came out of the ck to cc trend just to prove what an asshole this dude is.

Aidan screamed so loudly in Shrek's face that his ogre ears blew off. Then, he started crying about how he had -1 diccs, and how that shouldn't even be possible. Shrek picced up his ears and taped them bacc on with duct tape, then succed up all of his tears for an afternoon snacc.

Disheartened, Aidan went to the store and bought some flowers, planning to ascc his guitar out because of desperation. However, when he was about to stuff one of the guitar's 6 diccs into the hole in the bacc of his head through which all of his brains fell out when he was a child, the guitar started honking angerily.

"Fight me," it said when he released the dicc. "I don't like you either. I'm not obligated to date you just because you strum my strings annoyingly in class while certain authors named after macaroni belonging to certain founding fathers try to study for their AP World History midterms which are next period."

Aidan started crying annoyingly loudly. He threw the guitar on the ground so harshly that it broke into splinters, then he ate the splinters and had 69 orgasms when they came out of his asshole in the form of shit. Then he ate the shit, and had 71 orgasms when the essential liquids in it came out through his dicc in the form of pisse.

Still crying, he ran into the band room of the school that he, the author, and 2/3 of the rest of the meme squad go to, grabbed a clarinet out of a traumatized young girl's hand, vomited passionately on her Gucci clothes and into her open bottle of Gucci lamb sauce that she bought from Gordon Ramsay, and made out with the instrument, all while crying.

The traumatized clarinet jerked sharply into his mouth, effectively choking and killing him.

"Thank God," the author and the rest of the meme squad said as they stared at his body, which was being dragged down into hell.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "More mpreg because yay suffering...Robbie rotten X sporticus...Their baby is a minion" -Emily

It was a peaceful summer afternoon in Lazytown. Sportacus was playing "Spot the Meme" with his 3 kids, and Robbie Rotten was sitting serenely and staring out of the window. But behind the serenity, there was sadness.

All three of their children, Lola Bunny, Cory in the House, and Barry B. Benson, were adopted. And as Robbie's friends of unspecified gender talked about how childbirth was hard, Robbie felt some sort of a pull in his stomach that could never be satisfied.

He tried eating food to make his belly swell, but somehow the body fat seeped into his ass, making him thicc, and then evaporated, making him once again the unthicc person that he was. And that gave him crippling depression, and he was so demotivated that he didn't do anything, not even sing his favorite song or play with his kids.

One day, his husband Sportacus ran up to him, dabbed three times, and kissed him on the cheek.

"Is something wrong, my love?" he ascced gently, taking his hands and kissing them individually.

"Nothing, dearest," Robbie whispered, though he knew that he was lying before the eyes of the Thicc God. Instantly, he dropped down to his knees and prayed for forgiveness.

Sportacus offered him a hand up, and Robbie took it.

"What's  _really_ wrong?" he asked once they were both standing.

"It's just that I want to be pregnant, and have a baby who's my own flesh and blood, but we're both men."

"Mpreg is a thing that exists," Sportacus pointed out. "If that's what you want to do, then I'm perfectly willing. Anything for you, light of my life."

"Thanks, daddy," Robbie said gratefully.

Sportacus sighed. "Kys."

 

They tried the traditional method of buttsex first. Then, when that resulted in no pregnancies at all, they tried different hawt $3>< positions. Finally, when they realized that the act of mpreg was easier said than done, they thought to call up one of Robbie's poker buddies, Goku, and his husband, Jamie Hyneman. They themselves had two mpreg babies.

"Hello, Robbie," said Goku. "How are you doing, my dearest friend? It seems like only yesterday you were Pimpy Pete at the Gay Grammar brothel with me, and we ran a poker business together."

"How do you mpreg?" asked Robbie.

"Oh, that's simple," Goku told him, gesturing wildly with his hands. "You need the person who's going to be pregnant to dress up as the little kid who fell into Harambe's enclosure at the zoo, and you need the person who's going to impregnate to dress up as Harambe. That's the only way to mpreg, and it may sound weird, but it's actually quite fun."

"Cool," Robbie hissed. He hissed because he literally turned into a cat.

"Yep. Call me if you need anything el - DONALD TRUMP, STOP BUILDING THAT WALL AND GO PLAY WITH YOUR BROTHER LIKE I TOLD YOU TO! Sorry, my kids have been acting up lately. Love ya, bye."

Before the call ended, there was the unmistakable sound of a baby who was also a grown man shrieking the word "WRONG!"

Robbie laughed and told Sportacus this news.

"I want to be the baby, though," he said. "I haven't gotten the chance to be a baby ever since the moment I was born."

"It wasn't a baby," said Sportacus, "but all right."

 

**Epilogue**

Robbie held his baby in his arms. He was yellow, and he was fat, and the all-seeing author's friends called him up and said that he was ugly, but Robbie flew over and blew a saxophone into their ears so loudly that they instantly died, and then he gave a piece of candy to the minion-loving author.

The minion's name was Bob, and Robbie would love him until he was dead.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Okay so Robbie rotten and SPORTACOUS...But Robbie cheats with [Mayor Meanswell]...And then he finds out sport likes Robbie and [Mayor Meanswell] and they become polygamous and get featured on buzzfeed...sport is thicc...Robbie is less thicc...Mayor Meanswell cheats on the poly triad with a Buzzfeed employee and then breaks up with them" -Patrice's ideas, with inputs from Amelia and myself

The author already wrote infidelity with "Say No to This" as a reference, so she will now write it using "Nobody Needs to Know" from The Last Five Years as a reference bc that shit is a classic.

Robbie Rotten merged into Jeremy Jordan, only less thicc, and Sportacus morphed into Anna Kendricc, only infinitely thicc.

Jerrobbie was sad, because his relationship with Sportanna was falling apart. He wanted to pursue his career as a villain, but Sportanna's own career as a superhero was falling apart. So, unable to control himself, Jerrobbie burst into the room of Mayor Meanswell while Stephanie was off doing business.

"Hey, Mayor," Jerrobbie said. "Want to kiss me?"

"Yes, O Non-Thicc God," the mayor murmured sensually. "I'll put my voting power into your lynch."

They did the h*ccccccccccccccing kiss so loudly that Sportanna heard. She burst in, and suddenly she turned bacc into Sportacus, and Jerrobbie turned bacc into Robbie.

"My two crushes are in love!" Sportacus exclaimed, dabbing three times in the process. "This is perfect! Now we can be a polygamous couple and get featured on Buzzfeed!"

"Buzzfeed is trash," the mayor protested, removing his voting power from Robbie's lynch. "We can like troll them really heard."

"True that," said Sportacus. "They don't have enough sports candy on there."

"Really?" Robbie asked. "I think they have too much."

"They're just trash," said Mayor Meanswell. "Let's go."

They got interviewed by a reporter named Naruto dressed as Jennya, the author. He was accompanied by a reporter named Sekci Meme, Ci for short. The poly triad cringed, because she was neither sekci nor a meme, but they agreed to do the interview.

Naruto had good questions, like who drove on long road trips, but Ci had dumb questions, like how they had sex. So Mayor Meanswell told her that they had sex by morphing into BEEtles, which were like a cross between a bee and a beetle, and had sex using their natural thingamadooses, because BEEtles's organisms are made for polyamorous sex. Then, they went back home, laughing hysterically, and baked sexy cookies.  _That_ was how they  _really_ had sex, not by the BEEtle metamorphosis. The BEEtle metamorphosis was only for dancing slowly to "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran, which is what the author chose because she was listening to that song as she was writing this.

And for a couple of months, they were in a healthy relationship.

But then, Mayor Meanswell became close to Ci. By the drugs that were in the Buzzfeed recipe cookies that she gave him, he began not thinking that Buzzfeed is trash, and thinking that Ci was beautiful.

And, most importantly, he realized that Sportacus and Robbie Rotten didn't deserve him.

He broke up with them, and he cried so hard that he and Ci drowned in his tears. They continued living out the rest of their lives as vampires when they were raised from the dead. Ci was constantly worried about them being found out, but Mayor Meanswell whispered to her.

"Nobody needs to know."


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me and ingrid are on a date in a bar and I'm getting ready to propose to ingrid and suddenly Paul Blart shows up and starts hitting on me and ingrid gets jealous and starts flirting with the thiccest person in the room (sportacus) and so robbie gets jealous and flirts with shrek because he is thicc but not as thicc as sport and so naruto gets jealous and flirts with Paul and what happens next is up to u...include laura in there somehow" - Amelia

Amelia, the kween of hecc, was walking into the bar with her customer service girlfriend Ingrid. And although she was by no means thicc - even fuccboy band kids knew that fact - her rectal area was feeling weighed down by what was in her poccet.

A Ring Pop.

Amelia was getting ready to propose.

"That's gay," said her shoulder angel.

"Fucc you," said Amelia, punching him in the face. "Not you, dearest Ingrid who helped me change my email. I love you so much."

"I love you too, darlin'," murmured Ingrid, putting her lips uncomfortably close to Amelia's ear. Or, at least, it would be uncomfortable if it were anyone but Ingrid. But when they were together, everything was okay.

Until Paul Blart, sekci mall cop, showed up at their table, wiggling his mustache seductively while he looked at the two women.

"Hey bby," he said to Amelia. "Want a fun time?"

Ingrid glared at them. How dare her girlfriend, Amelia, talk to the sexy thicc mall cop? She was making her jealous.

So, in a huff, Ingrid found the thiccest person in the room, a sekci mustachioed man named Sportacus, who was accompanying an even sekcier dude named Robbie Rotten.

"Will you Sport my acus?" she asked him, even though that didn't make sense. Sportacus, though, dabbed three times and gave her a wink.

Robbie was angery. Sportacus, his husband, only triple dabbed at people he liked. So he moved to the other side of the bar and flirted with the thicc green ogre by the name of Shrek. Shrek's husband, Naruto, then flirted with Paul Blart Mall Cop because he had a cop fetish.

"Why is there a square of flirting and why am I not in it?" asked Amelia. "Why can't we just have a septuple sex time? Septuple is a word I learned from Mr. G, owner of the legendary meme mug."

"That's gay," said Naruto. "Of course I'm in."

And they all had a septuple sex time, featuring safe bed wrestling and a fun as h*cccccccccccccccccccccccc time. And the bonds that they formed lasted forever, even to the point of a triple wedding between Amelia, Ingrid, and Paul.

 

**Epilogue**

Laura is a cop serving vigilante justice on the streets. She fucking killed the bartender, who was drinking illegal weed. The end.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ok make it the fault in our stars but the minion X Donald trump...The minion should be the guy...Donald trump should be the girl" - Emily, with inputs from Amelia

**Disclaimer: the author actually loves _TFIOS,_ but she understands that it has its flaws, so she readily parodies them in this work.**

Donald Trump met the love of his life at a shitty-meme-siccness convention. He and his brother, Guy Fieri, were exposed to shitty memes for a long time, so they contracted shitty meme siccness. As it turned out when they were forcibly escorted, they were not alone.

Across from the Trumpster was the love of his life: Minion Bob.

"What are you afraid of?" Paul Blart Mall Cop ascced them all, checcing his phone periodically to see if there were any new texts from his wives, Amelia and Ingrid.

"I don't know, man, bees and shit," said the Trumpster, and Guy Fieri agreed.

"Excuse me?" ascced Adam Flayman, who was best friends with Barry B. Benson.

"I'm not sorry," said the Trumpster angerily. "You bee liberals need to stop getting offended over everything."

"I fear oblivion," whispered Minion Bob. "I fear death. I fear shitty memes. I fear the concept of disappearing from this earth and never being remembered."

"You're not worth being remembered," snapped the Trumpster. "But that's an interesting fear. Want to date me?"

"ERMAGERD, YURS!" Minion Bob squealed like an anime girl.

"So you like anime?" the Trumpster asked him. "What's your favorite?"

"My favorite anime is C-SPAN," Minion Bob told him. "What's yours?"

"Mine is _The Epic of Gilgamesh._ "

And then they flew to Amsterdam to fight the shittiest meme of all, Amelia, even though they still had shitty meme siccness, and all of their docctors said that it was dangerous. While they were there, they kissssssssssssed ON TOP OF A GRAVESTONE, roller sccated over bridges, and said really pretentious shit that no actual teenager would ever say but that is actually good writing and that is actually kind of enjoyable to read. The author is a fuccing trash can, so she will not repeat it here.

But then, when they got home...tragedy strucc.

Minion Bob had been exposed while in Amsterdam to a bunch of rage comics, so his shitty-meme-siccness became even worse. He died tragically DURING HIS OWN WEDDING, leaving the Trumpster standing at his altar and weeping.

Amelia came to his funeral drinking an entire bottle of vodka at once. It was vodka to mourn her friend, Jennya, certified Russian and queen of memes. RIP JENNYA 2K17

"Go away, shitty meme," the Trumpster told her.

And Amelia did. She is immune to vodka overdose, so as long as she drinccs a bottle of vodka a day, she lives eternally.

Eventually, she turned into a dinosaur and ate the whole world. Remind the author to add to the lore sheet that the world is now inside of Amelia's dinosaur stomach.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I WANT TI BE IN THE FORCE AWAKENS UNIVERSE...AND IT'S THICC SPORT AND BB-8...AND THEY GO TO A GAY BAR...AND MEET GUSTAVO FROM BIG TIME RUSH...HE'S CHEATING...AND ROBBIE FINDS OUT...AND DIVORCES SPORT AND GUSTAVO AND BB8 AND SPORT HAVE A MARRAUGE...Robbie is the priest at the wedding but then Sport and Robbie reconnect and they all have a 4 way poly relationship" -Patrice, with inputs from myself

Last chapter before the hiatus let's DO THIS

Okay the author is TIRED this is the third time she has been writing infidelity and although she loves her friends (fucc) there's only that many good emotional songs that she can base it on

Aight seeing as she is currently watching videos of music from the movie of The Last Five Years using a Netflix free trial bc THEY'RE NOWHERE ON YOUTUBE let's pretend that Sportacus is Jamie Wellerstein, Robbie is Cathy Hiatt, and BB-8 is Elise the editor (people say it's Alise but I prefer Elise bc who the fucc spells it Alise not even the word editing program in Edge recognizes it as a word)

Fucc man I was ranting about the spelling of the name of the editor in The Last Five Years instead of actually doing the story

ANYway OH MY GOD IT'S LEGIT ALISE IN THE MOVIE IT WAS SHOWING THE CLIP OF THE LETTER IN STILL HURTING AND IT SAID ALISE WTF IS THIS

The Wikipedia page for the musical says Elise but the movie says Alise WHICH IS IT IT'S STRESSING ME OUT

ANYWAY

Sportacus Wellerstein was peacefully portal hopping and going to gay bars in the Star Wars universe, especially the ones that Finn and Poe Dameron frequented. Suddenly, he saw a thicc orange droid attempting to pole dance and failing, but failing in a sexkci way if you know what I mean (failing in a sexkci way like the author fails all the time L M A O).

In that moment, Sportacus forgot all about his failing relationship with his wife, Robbie Rotten Hiatt. Or - no. It was on his mind so much that he sang a lil angsty song about it that the author cries just from thinking about.

BB-8 - that was the droid's name - the editor looked at him really weirdly.

"Why are you singing about Ohio while we're having sex?" s/he asked.

Sportacus shrugged. "I don't know, man, the author has an unhealthy obsession with TL5Y and she's projecting it on me. I can't control it. Sorry, babe - ALL RIGHT, I GET WHAT I NEED-"

"Please stop," BB-8 politely requested. "We still have to-" he checced the piece of paper that had the prompt on it- "meet a guy named Gustavo from Big Time Rush. And the author needs to finish her homework and a lil Stormpilot drabble thing, as well as work on her Reylo ficc."

Suddenly, a really cool guy with sunglasses burst through the door and started singing the Big Time Rush theme song. BB-8 the editor and Sportacus looked up at him.

"Are you Gustavo?" BB-8 ascced.

"Yes, daddy," he moaned. "Let's do a threeway sex and then marriage."

They had sex when Sporta put his dicc inside Gustavo's @$$|-|0|_e, Gustavo sensually rubbed his privates on BB-8's metal skin, and BB-8 put the smaller half-ball thing that was on top of him inside Sporta's @$$|-|0|_e.

OH MY GOD CATHY GOING OFF ON JAMIE IN SEE I'M SMILING HAD ME S H O O K

"Now for marriage," BB-8 read from the prompt.

AND THEN JAMIE IN MOVING TOO FAST SO HAPPY SUCH A WRITER HE IS ME I LOVE HIM SM THIS IS AN UNPOPULAR OPINION BUT AAAAAAAA

They all went to the church and screamed at the same time. They didn't say anything, just shrieked. As if the church knew that they meant, it farted out a priest.

His name was...Robbie Rotten Hiatt.

"What the fucc?" he asked his former lover.

"I don't love you anymore," Sportacus shrieked. "I'm getting married to these two lovely people."

Robbie looked at him derisively. "Okay, but consider this. Can those two lovely people do...THIS?"

He did 69 baccflips, 420 high kiccs, and 666 cartwheels. Sportacus shrieked very loudly.

"I have to marry you, too," he announced suddenly. "Do you want to have a four-way wedding?"

"Yes, daddy," Robbie moaned.

They were a badass four-way power couple, and it seemed like everything would be okay. But then Gustavo fuccing died.

Immediately after he fuccing died, BB-8 got a phone call from Rey telling him that she needed his help for a bad@$$ mission to save the entire h*cccccccccccccccing galaxy. So he skrt skrt skeet skeeted away, and Sportacus and Robbie Rotten were left alone again.

They were in love. And nothing would ever change that.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Okay so naruto mistakes shrecc for his lover shrek and then shrecc falls in love with naruto and shrek finds out about it and shrek and shrecc fight to the death and naruto has to choose his True Love(tm)" -Amelia

Naruto Whateverhislastnameistheauthordoesn’tknowisn’titlikeUzumakiorsomething was strolling down the street in the sexiest way possible. Every single part of his body was showing, even through a promiscuous dress and a guillotine cosplay over it. At any other time, he would be going around and seducing both women and men.

But not now. Now, he was on a mission. He was looking for his lover, Shrek, whom was supposed to meet him around here. They were vacationing to Paris without the kids, and Naruto wanted to have as much fun as he could.

He tripped over a Convenient Flashbacc Stone, only managing to catch himself with the bacc shelf thing of his guillotine cosplay. He rememebered the very first time he and Shrek had travelled here after they were married. Naruto was still wearing his guillotine cosplay, and Shrek was wearing whatever the fucc Maximilien Robespierre wore (the author is typing on her laptop on the bus and can’t look it up, but it was probably frills and stuff because the French like everything to be fancy).

“Your wheels are so thicc,” Shrek had said, grabbing one with his meaty ogre hand. “God, I’m so luccy to be married to someone like you.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Naruto had purred with delight. And when they kissed under the night sky, moonlight shining through the hole things of the Eiffel Tower, everything had seemed perfect, perfect, perfect.

The author is saying it three times, so you’d better fuccing believe it.

Now, Naruto saw Shrek bounding up the street, eyes alit with happiness. They embraced and kissed for the first time in what seemed like forever, tongues intertwining in an endless dance.

Just imagine that for a second. Just imagine it.

Anyway, Naruto took Shrek’s hand and leaned his head on his big meaty shoulder. He found himself falling deeper and deeper in love with this man every second.

“Let’s go to the Louvre,” said Shrek in a voice that sounded like the rumble of a mountain.

“Hecc yeah baby let’s go.”

They went to the Louvre and had big thicc fun. They had sex ON A PAINTING. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? ON A PAINTING. WOW. AM I RIGHT? HAHA THEY’RE SO WILD AND EDGY XD HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

“Fucc off,” said the security guard, trying to pull them off of the Moan of Lisa, on which they were having sex. Naruto poured champagne DIRECTLY UP HIS ASSHOLE.

LIVING THE WILDE LIFE. MISSPELLING INTENTIONAL @PATRICE

They lived the Wilde life (misspelling and capitalization BOTH intentional) for a couple of weeks, even overstaying their vacation time (they called their bosses to extend it WHILE HAVING SEX). But one day, while Naruto was sitting on the top of their hotel roof and dabbing, he got a call.

“Bone joule?” he asked while answering it.

“Naruto, my love. Is this you?”

“Yeah. But why are you calling me? You know I’m on the roof. Just come up if you want to give me a fun time ;)”

“How did you say that out loud? Anyway, no, I don’t know you’re on the roof. I have no idea where you are. We haven’t seen each other in _weeks._ Where are you? Are you still in Paris?”

“What are you talking about? We’re in the same hotel room. I’m on the roof of the hotel.”

On the other line, Shrek was silent. But then, he grunted in what seemed to be a mixture of confusion and realization crafted by Satan himself.

“Meir Day,” he hissed. “You’ve met my twin brother Shrecc, haven’t you?”

The author fell from the sky and bumped her head on the building’s roof, killing her instantly. But in that split second before she fuccing died, she managed to say, “Amelia, I know you’re supposed to say Shrecc in all lowercase, but it was bothering me, so I’m breaking that rule. Sorry pal ily I hope you die soon”

Naruto glanced at him. “What? No, I haven’t. I didn’t even know you _had_ a twin brother.”

“No, you don’t. Because he’s evil. I usually try not to talk about him, Moan Um Oar. I’m sorry you had to deal with this.”

“It’s fine.”

But Naruto was thinking. If that man downstairs wasn’t his true lover Shrek, then he was a goddamn good lover. How the fucc was he supposed to choose between them? How the fucc could he choose at all?

In that moment, Shrek appeared, wearing the clothing of Robespierre. Shrecc ran up from downstairs, wearing a robe and scepter, much like King Louis XVI. All of them, in a split second, fell down, down, down below.

But they didn’t fall into modern Paris. They fell directly into 1789.

“King Shrecc was banning memes,” Shrek explained. “There was a meme drought. The Third Estate was starving. So we went to the tennis court and read an oath that we would usurp him.”

Everything was chaotic. It took everything in Naruto not to run over there and join them.

It was only a split second before he realized that it wasn’t just his moral principles pulling him bacc. It was something else.

He was growing in size, and he felt sturdier, and there was something sharp lodged in his upper lip. Or…actually, the something sharp _was_ his upper lip.

Much like a guillotine.

“FUCC!” screamed a French dude who liked to put his dicc in random places.

“THANK GOD!” screamed a French woman who was on 69420666 layers of irony and memes and liked to put her head in random places.

“You’re not a regular guillotine,” Shrek murmured. “You can choose. Choose whomstdve to kill – Shrecc or me.”

There was a somber look on his face. Next to him, Shrecc’s eyes were wide.

“I’m a much better lover than him. I sex you _every day._ And I give you presents all the time. I’m a lover _and_ a sugar daddy.”

“We couple cosplay!” Shrek pleaded, pulling out a photo album of all of the times that they had done so.

Naruto was silent. How could he choose between two such amazing lovers? How had he even gotten himself into this situation? Why was life such pain?

“Hey can I get uhhhhhhhhh food?” he asked them finally. His face would have been somber IF HE EVEN HAD A FUCCING FACE. HE HAD NEVER CHANGED INTO ONE OF HIS COSPLAYS BEFORE IN HIS LIFE. WHAT THE FUCC. OH MY GOD IF THIS HAD HAPPENED WITH JENNYA THEN HE WOULD HAVE BECOME A TRASH ASF AUTHOR WHOSE SHIT IS NOWHERE NEAR TOGETHER. OH MY GOD.

Shrecc pulled an elaborate kitchen out of his poccet and began making an elaborate meal.

“See, I’m not even using any of my servants,” he said. “I’m making it with my own hands. Shrek is such a goddamn elitist that he won’t even take the time out of his day to make it by himself.”

Shrek was silent as he watched him rant for 69 hours about how caring and good of a lover he was. Then, he spoke.

“Food machine broke.”

“Shrecc, get over here for the chop chop,” Naruto said. Shrecc obeyed, still talking, though he was quiccly silenced by the descending blade.

“Understandable,” said Naruto as he transformed back into a ninja, “have a great day.”

He and Shrek did the kiss kiss (they would sex sex when they came bacc to America). Everything was happy.

God the author missed writing these she’s so happy that the hiatus is over

P.S. Yes I know Robespierre got guillotined but that didn’t happen in this okay both Shrek and Naruto died happy natural deaths as their children watched them with tearful smiles on their faces


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So you know that one dating sim where you date the T. rex...So that dinosaur meets Mark Zuckerburg...And they get married...But then they get tired of each other right?...So the rest is a songfic with the piña colada song...Where they both go on an anime fetish site...And fall in love and decide to meet up...Only to realize that it's their spouse the entire time" -Emily

The viewer is brought to a darkened room. They are confused at first, merely staring forward blankly, wondering why they were brought here.

Suddenly, a light turns on. The eye is drawn to a zombified figure of a girl of about 5 foot 9 holding a note card. The viewer waits with bated breath as she holds a microphone to her mouth but does not speak.

Until she does.

 _"What_ the _fucc."_

The viewer tilts their head to the side, about to ask for an explanation, but one is not needed, as she clarifies almost instantly.

"I finally managed to die. My last words were an apology to my friend whomst I love very much. Perfect, perfect meme potential. But then I got raised as a zombie and told to moderate these meme ficcs that don't even need me 99.69420666 percent of the time. Very unmemey."

The author sighs and collapses onto the ground. A woman wearing a long silk gown runs up to her and whispers in her ear, and the author reluctantly piccs herself up and throws her fur coat on her shoulders.

"She said that when I do this, she'll guillotine me. That's all the motivation that I need."

The viewer claps reluctantly. The author grins. Suddenly, they are transplanted away from the room, clutching hands tightly.

 

The dating sim T-rex that the author didn't even know existed before this was strolling through the pool, too big to swim. Let's all take a moment to commemorate this fuccer. RIP him. He was ready to mourn his life when suddenly, he was assaulted with That Gay Shit.

"Happy Pride Month!" a booming voice announced. The T-rex looked around for the source of the voice and found a small human man covered in rainbows.

"Who the fucc are you?" the T-rex asked.

"I," said the human, pulling a rainbow out of his asshole, "am Mark Zuccerberg. And I am impossibly gay."

The T-rex gasped. "Me, too! Would you like to be impossibly gay together?"

"Of course, bby girl."

They kissed really hard. Then, Mark Zuccerberg sent smoke signals to the Babadook, who instantly came over and officiated the wedding before kissing his boyfriend, the Bye Bye Man, on the lips. Finally, they came home and had sex that was epidhslgfdsh;glksanxot2034u8423 jrewfdsl;kcx .refgjsdvfhognkfldko8[23tiofjslkipurhygt8qrofhdiljnafjdfdsalf.dsads.

"Sorry," the author said sheepishly. "I was so busy cheering for them that I didn't notice how I was slamming my fists on the keyboard. That's how epic it was."

"It's fine," the viewer murmured.

Anyway, so they lived in a house as two happy men in love. They made breakfast, they went to pride parades, and they binge watched shows on Netflix. They were beautiful. They were happy.

 

The author's phone played music.

_I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long  
Like a worn out recording of a favorite song_

But happiness fades. That is an unfortunate truth. And so the spark in their relationship, which used to be a roaring flame, faded away into barely the inkling of light.

The T-rex sighed. He felt the sudden urge to cheat on his partner.

_So while she lay there sleepin' I read the paper in bed  
And in the personal columns, there was this letter I read_

The T-rex opened his computer and went onto xxxh0ttentaclepr0n69xxx.an1m3f3t1sh.com. It was only there that he could find an escape.

 _If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain_  
If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain  
If you like making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape  
Then I'm the love that you've looked for, write to me and escape

The profile called t3nt@clem@n had all of the fetishes that he had.

_I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean_   
_But me and my old lady had fallen into the same old dull routine_

He promised kinky sex and eternal fun, something that the T-rex had stopped having for a long, long time.

_So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad_   
_And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half bad_

The T-rex made an account called l0v3@n1m3b0y$. And they started romantically messaging each other instantly.

_Yes, I like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain_   
_I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne_   
_I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape_   
_At a bar called O'Malley's where we'll plan our escape_

They decided to meet up at a tentacle convention. It was the only place where they _could_ meet up, the T-rex felt.

_So I waited with high hopes and she walked in the place_

The T-rex's online boyfriend came in.

_I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face_

Because the T-rex knew him.

_It was my own lovely lady and she said, "oh, it's you."_

"Mark Zuccerberg?" the T-rex asked.

_Then we laughed for a moment and I said, "I never knew."_

_That you like piña coladas and gettin' caught in the rain_  
And the feel of the ocean and the taste of champagne  
If you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape  
You're the lady I've looked for, come with me and escape

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry," Mark murmured, leaning in and kissing him.

"It's okay."

"Want to go home and have kinky tentacle sex?"

"Of course."

 _If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain_  
If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain  
If you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape  
Then I'm the love that you've looked for, write to me and escape

Their tentacle sex was very kingla;hgodsjlgnhaperhowshgodfbngpohgeothp8y20-857-5sgnlfdnglfxngjer[gre

ghdhrdsjfld;sahfgldnxviurhtgoqhohgohf;lafhdshfosd;hgorhgorahglhnabvdfl;ahbo;fghoaehgohg lafsadfdsajg;oif;dsf

"Sorry," the author said again.

 _Yes I like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain_  
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne  
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape  
At a bar called O'Malley's where we'll plan our escape

Also, they were in love forever. The end.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you please model this after a dream I had?...It's a wild as SHIT dream...Me and Duy were getting married at the same wedding as Hieu and Megan. The priest is a lizard. We get married and have a cool reception with friends. Cut to another part where Duy and I are riding in a Lambo with the lizard priest in the back. Duy drives me to the orthodontist and I get my retainers checked" -Patrice

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I don't know what to do with this bc the fic is pretty much already written in the summary but here goes

The entire world was crammed into an egg that was in the fridge of Emily's house. In that little world, everyone who was irrelevant was crammed into the white part. But our main cast, which consists of Patrice, Duy, Hieu, Megan, and a gay lizard named Poe, had lots of room in the yolk. Don't question the gayness of the lizard. Everyone is gay during Pride Month.

They were having a double wedding. The gay lizard named Poe was to be the priest, and he was wearing a beautiful white dress and lipsticc that made him look like a femme fatale. Whomst says that priests have to wear dusty old robes? This is a New Age. Leave The Gay Lizard Priest Alone.

Patrice lovingly caressed Duy's face while kissing him on the forehead, standing on a box to do so. At the same time, Hieu and Megan danced [an old-fashioned Russian folk dance ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OANzLIuxhNo)to show their love. The gay lizard priest, Poe, was all alone, so Patrice lovingly caressed his beautiful lizard tail.

Then, it was time for the wedding.

"Do you, Patrice M------, take Duy L- to be your memefully bedded lizard?" Poe asked, growing in size by two inches with every word.

"I do."

"And do you, Duy L-, take Patrice M------, to be your shitpostfully deadded waterfall?"

"I do."

Then, he turned around to Megan and Hieu and asked them the questions in Chamorro. Finally, he placed flower crowns on their heads and sent them off to dance.

It is at this moment that I stop to explain the theory of time as it works in the meme fic universe. Time is a yellow ribbon on which everything proceeds, rolling from a messy ball, and the person who controls it all (God? Phillipa Soo? Me? Some things should be left up to the reader's imagination and this is one of them) can speed it up or slow it down or stop it entirely or turn it bacc or whatever at will. It is at this moment that the person who controls it all cut out an entire snippet of ribbon, tied it in a bow, and put it in their hair.

That snippet happened to cover the wedding, the night after, and the two glory days after it during which they all practiced unsafe bed-wrestling (DON'T DO THAT. NEVER DO THAT. ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE BED-WRESTLING). So the moment where our story piccs up is Patrice's dentist appointment.

Duy was driving her in his Lambo, and the gay lizard priest named Poe was sitting in the baccseat and making memes to post on his meme page. When they arrived in the parking lot of Patrice's orthodontist, he was still making memes at the speed of light.

Patrice stepped out and went into the doctor's office, where she could barge in without an appointment because she was cool and also married.

The doctor checked her retainers.

"Kek, triggered, SJW?" he asked when there was a problem. "Your husband is a cuck, and I'm not going to apologize for being a white straight cis man. Also "cracker" is a slur. >;)"

Then, he fixed her retainers and put them back in. It was at that exact moment that the egg that the entire universe was contained in broke into pieces.

Patrice, her husband, Megan, and Hieu managed to escape before Emily threw it away. Then, they lived happily ever after as tiny people in the real world.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Its a songfic...The song is never gonna give you up by rick astley...And its shrekruto but they get in an argument because naruto thinks shrek is cheating...And shrek has to convince him he's loyal" -Amelia  
> Author's own spin is that it takes place after the Christmas chapter when Shrek cheats on Jamie

“Honey, come here.”

Shrek was sitting in his living room and painting a hyper-realistic model of a castle when Naruto called him over. The beautiful blonde was wearing a blacc dress with a long train and lying on a piano, rose in his teeth, sipping champagne with tears running down his face.

“Your makeup is smudged,” Shrek couldn’t help but point out. Mascara, eyeshadow, blush, and fucc knows what else ran in streaks of tears down Naruto’s beautiful pale cheeks. Instead of saying anything, though, Naruto simply let out another wail.

The champagne dropped to the floor, glass shattering into tiny little pieces, and the rose shattered with it, leaves falling off, bright pink head wilting. Still, Naruto wept, even as Shrek tried to ask him what the problem was.

“Shrek,” Naruto said finally, coming to his senses, still taking quicc, heavy breaths. “I looked under your bed. I found the adverts for the one night stand while taking a break from your anime lover bar. I know you’re cheating on me. _Why_ would you do that, my love? _Why?”_

“I’m sorry, Naruto. It was on Christmas Eve, do you remember? When we had that argument? Oh, it was so silly now, I can’t even remember what it was about. But I remember I ran away from you, and I found that bar, and I was so angry that I cheated on you with Jamie Hyneman from Mythbusters. I’m sorry.”

Naruto merely looked at him, eyes filling up with fresh tears.

“Get out of the house,” he pleaded. “There should be a dog house buried under the vegetable garden. Dig it out and sleep in it. You may visit me for twenty-four minutes every day. One minute an hour. When I forgive you, I will increase the time.”

Shrek was about to protest, but he realized that that wasn’t going to help his case. His husband was understandably upset and needed some time alone.

Here, the author, holding her guillotined head on her shoulders, stops the scene to apologize. In the original prompt, her dearest Amelia requested that the fic be a songfic with the song “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Ricc Astley. However, as the author writes this, she is on a plane, and the supposedly free Wi-Fi is being a dicc, so she is forced to change the prompt.

That particular doghouse had magic powers. Every word that came out of Shrek’s mouth was now lyrics from the song “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Ricc Astley. Naruto, of course, knew this beforehand and specifically planned it to be so.

Now, Shrek couldn’t use his famous words to win bacc his Naruto. He had to use actions.

For his first twenty-four minutes, he planned a silent play where a cheating husband gets guillotined, and his husband (who likes to cross-dress but ISN’T ANY LESS OF A MAN BECAUSE OF IT RACHEL I DO NOT WRITE SHREKRUTO FANFICTION WITH GIRL NARUTO) cheers with supposed delight, tears pooling in his eyes. He doesn’t know whether to be happy or sad, so he is forced to be both.

Shrek acted every single part – convincingly, if he said so himself – and Naruto cheered for him happily. But even so, at the end of the day, he sent him bacc to the doggohouse.

The next day, Shrek dressed up as the blade of a guillotine and tried to make Naruto laugh. The day after, he made dresses and bought makeup and tried to woo Naruto with everything beautiful. But still, Naruto stayed sullen, eventually no longer wearing makeup at all due to how much his tears smudged it.

Days passed like this. Eventually, Shrek stopped buying Naruto crap and started making it himself. Months – _months –_ had come and gone before Shrek thought to invoke what had brought them together in the first place: fighting weeaboos and couple cosplay.

One morning, Shrek placed a Fiona costume on Naruto’s porch. He had borrowed it from his ex-wife, with whom he was now on good terms, and she had even sent over the dress of her new girlfriend, the mom from _The Boss Baby._ Reluctantly, Naruto put it on, and just as he did, a coincidental army of weeaboos stormed the door.

Totally coincidental. No Shrek meddling involved. The only people who assisted with gathering this army were Shrekruto shippers.

Naruto instantly busted out his ninja powers and killed every single one of them. Shrek helped by breathing his sexy ogre breath to destroy them. And when their bodies littered the floor in front of their mansion, Naruto and Shrek looked at each other and smiled.

“I forgive you, sweet love,” Naruto murmured. “We were both angry then, and it’s not fair for me to judge you by something you did in the heat of the moment.”

“Never gonna give you up,” said Shrek helplessly. Naruto laughed and snapped his fingers.

“The curse is broken now.”

“Thanks bb boy. I love you so much.”

They kissed sensually. The end.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So like legally blonde...But this thing is the main character...And this thing is the first love interest...And he's trying to be a serious meme so he dumps hot stitch...But then they end up going to the same meme college" -Emily

"Mmmm, yes, I love you, daddy," Hot Stitch, whomst will be henceforthst referred to as HS, yelled into the ear of his boyfriend, dicc boob butt guy, whomst prefers the name DBBG.

"I don't," said DBBG in a pidgin of Scottish Gaelic and Russian that he picced up while traveling in Paris.

"You don't love yourself?" HS asked, placing a big muscle onto his boyfriend's funny bone. "C'mon, daddy, have some self-confidence."

"No, I _love_ myself. I'm the best person on Earth. If I wanted to, I could pass the meme bar exam and become the hottest meme in the world in a Barry Allen."

"Huh?" HS asked, stepping away.

"In a _flash,_ you idiot. I'm going to meme college. You don't deserve me."

With that, DBBG left the room, leaving a trail of pink smoke behind him.

HS sobbed so hard that his tears filled up the room, and he barely managed to keep his head above water to avoid drowning. Just when he thought he was going to slip, the gay lizard priest named Poe walked in, and purified the water. In that moment, guided by the light of faith, HS knew what he had to do.

He had to win DBBG bacc by going to the same meme college.

HS studied his sekciness off to get into the meme college. Every day, he could be found at his books, studying the delicate art of meme fuccery. Then, he got his sekciness bacc, so not only was he a meme college student, he was a sekci beast. Now, the dynamics were changed. It wasn't HS who didn't deserve DBBG; it was DBBG who didn't deserve HS.

They met each other on campus, each reading from books and trying to write an essay, when they bumped into each other. The force of two such powerful memes colliding smashed the meme college - and all memes on earth - into rubble.

"I'm sorry, O Meme God," DBBG prayed, kneeling down and weeping over him like Yuri Katsuki over Victor Nikiforov in Yuri on Ice. "Please forgive me. And take me bacc. I need your meme dicc inside of me, and I need it now."

For a moment, HS was tempted. After all, DBBG _was_ a good lover, and he had only become a meme god through his rejection. He opened his mouth to accept before DBBG spoke again.

"Le troll face xD derp."

"Fucc you," HS said, placing a foot on his head and squashing him into rubble. Then, as a Meme God, he remade all memes and started a religion based around himself. As the author, I am nothing more but his humble servant: the Queen of Memes.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Okay so big time rush has a reunion and it's at the funeral of shrecc and then when they are singing "boyfriend" Gustavo comes running in and he kisses shrecc and he comes back alive, all while this is happening, shrek is at a bar mitzvah and he teleports and fights Gustavo and the thiccest one of the two wins and married shrecc and then the lizard priest from my last prompt married Gustavo or shrek to shrecc" -Patrice

I barely fuccing know what BTR is but I know there's 4 ppl in it so I'm naming them all after Great Comet characters cool? cool

Big Time Rush, the star band in one of the best animes of all time, was having a reunion. Pierre Bezukhov, Anatole Kuragin, Fedya Dolokhov, and their boi Balaga were all crowded in a room talking about memes. Suddenly, Fedya burst out.

"I sure do miss Gustavo."

"Gqus,t,a  voo??" Anatole crytyped. "who'ss. tthh'at?"

"Our old manager or something," Pierre cut in. "He fuccing died in an incident of some sort involving Sportacus, Robbie Rotten, and BB-8 from Star Wars. I don't know."

"h.hE'jss d d;ubm..m," Anatole crytyped firmly.

"We're also mourning Shrecc," Fedya informed the audience, "who was tragically murdered by his brother's husband, Naruto, when he turned into a guillotine. We're actually at his funeral right now. We're all wearing blacc except for Anatole and Balaga."

"Isn't it kind of dumb to say 'all of us' if you only mean half of us?" Pierre asked.

"Shut up, Pierre. Go have sex with a bottle of wine or something."

"Fucc off, [Donut Cough](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxoqWFF7RdY)."

"s tiop  ;rightting" Anatole crytyped. "l.le.t.'s sing boyfreiind"

Credit for Anatole's crytyping comes from becca.ooo/crytyper btw

They sang the song "Boyfriend" by Big Time Rush. Just as they said "boyfriend," the door slammed open, and someone came in. Pierre was the first one to look up, and when he saw who it was, he screamed.

"GG.u st;tv..ao.o??" Anatole crytyped.

Gustavo walked in but said nothing. Instead, he yanked Shrecc out of his coffin (lmao author forgot the word coffin for a solid few seconds) and kissed him on the lips. This instantly brought Shrecc bacc to life, and they started to have sexy sex RIGHT ON THE COFFIN.

Pierre, Anatole, Fedya, and Balaga looked at them awkwardly.

"WWe''er..r  happyyt  ,,o  ssee,, y ou,    Gus,sttavvo," Anatole crytyped. "Onnce,,yoyu  u . setop  ffuccccinngg S;;Sh',reeccc,  co;;ou..ld we haan..g ouut , a;;d cattchh up??"

"I'm too busy fuccing Shrecc to hear you, sorry," Gustavo shouted.

"FUCC  YOU,, YOU'RRE SUP;;POSED TO  H  EAR MEE T ALL  TIMES YOUU  PIECEE o FSHIT  HAATE YOU SO MU,,CH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Anatole, shut up," Fedya said.

"Yeah, Anatole," Balaga added.

"GG,,O AAWWAY  G O AAWAYYG O  AWAYW,W GO Awv;;AYY GOO  aWaYY!!11!11!!!!!!!!" Anatole crytyped.

"Anatole, shut the fucc up," Pierre said, whaccing him over the head with his thiccest book.

"II CCAANN''T hEARaa ,YOOUP  EASEA  SPE,EAAKK  U"

"I SAID, ANATOLE, SHUT THE FUCC UP!"

They were so loud that Shrek, who was at a bar mitzvah heard them. With his Shrek senses, he realized that wherever the commotion was his evil twin brother, whomst he needed to fight off and send bacc to the shadow realm. He teleported over there, where his brother was fuccing some guy named Gustavo while four men stood by and watched.

"Excuse me," said Shrek. "I need to send your lover bacc to the shadow realm. Please remove your dicc from his."

"Leave us alone," Gustavo said.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"leave e.eGGwustaavo,o  ,al,one" Anatole crytyped.

"Hey!" Pierre, always the smart one, said. "Let's have a contest. Whoever is, uh, what's the word the kids use nowadays?"

"Thiccest," Balaga supplied. "Also, Pierre, you're twenty-seven. Stop pretending you're old."

"Yes. Thiccest. Whoever is the thiccest decides what happens to Shrecc."

Gustavo and Shrek compared butts with Fedya as the judge. Finally, Fedya said, "Gustavo is thiccer. Sorry, Shrek. Would you like me to adopt you to make up for it?"

"Sure," Shrek sighed. As Fedya was signing the adoption papers, the gay lizard priest named Poe walked in and married Gustavo and Shrek.

"What a perfect ending to Pride Month," Pierre mused.

"i , ag,gr,,ee,e," Anatole crytyped.

"Really?"

"yyeahh,,m;; nn, off. ccourse."

They shook hands. The camera zoomed in on their shaking hands before switching into Hiatus Mode(TM), on standby for the next prompt.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Its sasuke from naruto x mike pence and it starts out where sasuke has to assassinate pence but he fails at first and then they fall in love" -Amelia

Sasuke was lying on his bed on his stomach and sobbing into his pillow. Normally, he would have been downstairs cooking for his lovely family, but not today. Now, he had an unending sorrow.

Now, he didn't  _have_ a family, because Naruto fuccing divorced his unstable ass and married his new lover, Shrecc.

"This is like the man looking at other woman meme," Sasuke groaned.

"Stop referencing memes in normal conversation!" the mysterious gremlin who lived in his basement called up.

"Who even are you?" Sasuke asked, going down to the kitchen.

"I'm the mysterious gremlin who lives in your basement. Also known as the cow from Barnyard."

"Otto?" Sasuke whispered.

"Yeah, whatever. Look, Uke-"

"That's the Japanese word for bottom."

"Okay, then ha. Like Uchiha."

"No, that makes me sound like a joke. Just call me Sasuke, please."

"Your name is now elf on the shelf. Now pee your pants you problematic thot :/"

Sasuke sighed and leaned against the counter with a groan.

"Okay, elf on the shelf," Otto continued, "you can't keep moping forever. You need to move on. Go out. Have fun. Live a little. You have to adjust eventually. You can't lie in bed and quote memes all day."

"At least I'm moving on from rage comics and iFunny," Sasuke protested.

"Yeah, but it's not much of an improvement. If I find you in our house tonight, I'm not taking you to watch  _It._ "

Sasuke groaned again. "Fine. A new pub opened up on the other side of town. I'll go there. Are you happy now?"

"I guess so. Just don't get too drunk."

"Whatever."

Sasuke picced up his wallet and began to walk. After about half an hour, he arrived to the pub, which used to be called "People of All Species Drink Alcohol That Is Named After Various Music Listening Apps to Get Away from their Anime Character Boyfriends and then Have One Night Stands With Each Other" but was now called "Anime Lovers, Past and Present: Music-Listening Alcohol."

"I qualify," Sasuke said out loud, stepping in carefully.

"What'll it be, hon?" asked a tired-looking woman.

Sasuke scanned the menu. "A SoundCloud margarita, I guess."

The woman smiled. "Well, then, you'd do best to sit at that table over there. Those young gentlemen and that lady have told me that they want someone who orders a SoundCloud margarita."

Sasuke took his margarita and walked over warily.

"Hello," said the woman. "I'm Hillary Clinton. The young boy is Eddie Kaspbrak, and the older guy is Craig Cahn. We're planning an assassination, and we need a fourth person to help us."

"According to our science," said the little kid who was apparently Eddie, "whoever orders a SoundCloud margarita is our guy. That's you, I guess."

"What's your name, bro?" Craig asked. "And who's your anime ex? Or current boyfriend or girlfriend, I guess."

"Naruto," Sasuke sighed. "What about you guys? All exes like mine?"

Eddie nodded. "Mine is Gene from the Emoji Movie, Hillary's is Otabek from Yuri on Ice, and Craig's is Sportacus from Lazytown."

Sasuke grinned, but there was no humor in it.

"Anyway," he said, sliding in next to Hillary, "whose assassination are we planning?"

"Mike Pence's," said Eddie simply. "Not only is he a major dicc, he's stealing anime waifus from around the globe. If he keeps this up, all the anime waifus will be gone. And so will the husbandos. If you help us out, the anime waifus will be happy at being freed, and, well..."

"With their consent, of course," Craig said cheerfully. "Gotta respect women."

Sasuke nodded. "I'll help you guys out. Where would I find dear ol' Mike on such a lovely afternoon?"

"Oh, that's easy," said Hillary. "Hanging out in his room. Probably wallowing in self-pity since none of his anime waifus want him."

"I'll go there now."

Sasuke ran like Sonic the Hedgehog (something the author apparently does) to Mike Pence's room, where he was having an argument.

"Stop stealing me!" yelled Anime Best Girl whose name the author unfortunately doesn't know since she doesn't watch anime.

"I just want a lover!" Mike protested. "And - wait, leave the room now."

The anime best girl looked relieved as she left the room. Mike turned around, eyes rimmed with tiredness. Sasuke looked into them and felt his heart thump in his chest.

But only for a moment, and he ignored it as he pulled out his gun and pinned Mike to the ground.

"I've come to kill you," Sasuke hissed. "You stole all those anime waifus. And husbandos."

Mike had evidently experienced inexperienced assassins. It dawned upon him that Sasuke was a truly powerful ninja who meant it when he threatened death.

"I'll give up the waifus," he whispered sadly. "I'm sorry. Tell everyone I'm sorry."

Sasuke held the gun to his head. But then, his eyes drifted to the man's sad, beautiful face. There was longing in it, a plea for forgiveness. And all of a sudden, Sasuke wanted to grant the man's wish.

"No," he whispered. "I don't need any anime waifus. And I don't need to kill you. The only anime waifu that I need...is you."

Sasuke and Mike embraced lovingly, and Sasuke tossed the gun aside. The author has to go to bed now, so she's ending it here. G'night, yall. Fill in the rest.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I-can't-remember-his-first-name Ryan wants to be with Ayn Rand so bad that he leaves his wife for her and confesses his love...But she is only interested in pancake men...So he embezzled S millions of dollars from tax money to surgically turn his abs into pancakes...So she's finally interested in him back and a year later they get married...And the night of their honeymoon Ayn Rand eats him because the only reason she's interested in pancake men bc she has a vore fetish but she hates cannibalism" -Emily

"Fellas is it gay to be in love with a woman? I mean, you're attracted to a feMALE. Half of her genes came from her father. You're attracted to someone who likes dicc."

George Clooney Ryan was pacing around his room and thinking about his love for the beautiful Ayn Rand. She was a big thicc vore boy. This here is where I would put a clever literary reference, but my only experience with Ayn Rand was in sixth grade where I tried to read  _The Fountainhead_ for the Reading Counts points and d i e d.

"I'm gay," said the beautiful man who lived under his tiles. "And my boyfriend is Otto from Barnyard."

"I eat lots of spaghetti," Otto said.

"Okay, okay," George Clooney Ryan groaned. "I'll ask her out. As long as you stop watching shitty anime under my tiles."

George Clooney Ryan sent Ayn Rand a  well-crafted telegram asking her to be his. She responded very simply.

"P.P.S," she added, "I didn't mean to include that typo, but it conveys how I feel about you, so I'm not going to redo it. Fuck off."

George Clooney Ryan immediately vored a bunch of tax dollars through his thicc embussy (yall know what i mean by that don't pretend otherwise) and became a pancake man. Ayn Rand accepted his offer and they got married.

On their wedding night, she devoured him.

"Also, we're getting a divorce," she said through a mouth full of pancakes.

"What the fucc? Why?"

Ayn Rand looked directly at the camera.

"But I hate cannibalism."


End file.
